Busy Bee

Just got done dying my hair. Can't see what color it is because it's dark and a friend is sleeping on my bed. It's pretty late but I just felt like getting some thoughts out there.  It's been a stressful and busy few weeks. My senior show is on Monday. Installation is on Sunday. Thursday, Friday, and Saturday I have Felician Live performances. As my senior year is nearing it's close I'm starting to get pretty nervous, and also a little sad. I'm going to miss people that I've met here. It will be weird leaving them all behind and not seeing them on a daily or weekly basis. 

I think I'm mostly ready to move on, with one exception. Have you ever noticed how hard it is to move past old relationships sometimes? I've had relationships that, when they ended, I wasn't happy they were over but I got over it fast. There is one, though, that I just can't seem to get over. I try and try, and I tell myself that the next time I see him maybe my heart won't leap out of my chest but it always does. I always tell myself I won't cry when we hang out and then he leaves, but I always do. I tell myself every morning when I wake up thinking of him that it's better for both of us this way, but I don't really believe it. I tell myself every night when he's the last thing on my mind before sleep that everything will be ok, but I sometimes wonder if it won't. I wonder if he was my soul mate and I was too stupid at the time to realize it. I've never had a relationship like this that I simply couldn't get over before. I keep hanging on and to this day I hope he'll change his mind. I know I should just try to move on but no matter what I do he's there.  His best friend told me that the most valuable lesson is to learn how to get over it, but what I really don't understand is why I can't.  Do I just not know myself well enough to  figure it out? Do I not understand myself enough? Will I ever understand myself enough? Is it that I don't want to let go of it?

Why can't I let go of this?  It causes me so much pain, but at the same time some weird sort of pleasure. I hope that he will be happy, even if it's not with me, but the thought of him with somebody else still cuts me like a knife. It's been a little over a year. How long will this last? Maybe it will get easier when I go home? I hope so.